Loneliness

Loneliness has always been a tough topic for me to discuss with counsellors.  I always get upset when the topic of friends comes up. They can see it too, the sadness behind my eyes that I’m trying so hard to hide and eventually the tears just roll down my cheeks. However I would rather have real friends who are there for you in your darkest moments than fake friends who are only there for you when they want something or are just bored.

I don’t want you all thinking that I don’t atleast try to socialise because I do. I go to pubs I chat away to people. I get on really well with people but I can’t seem to make friends with people my own age ( I’m 18 btw). I don’t know why, I guess we just don’t have anything in common.

I’m hoping that one day I’ll meet people around my age and that we can go clubbing or get food in town or stay in, have a sleepover and chat and eat pizza.(I really like pizza,just saying x). It makes you feel lost and hopeless and you find it increasingly harder to socialise so sometimes you hide away but at the same time you really really want some company.

There’s a quote from The Lonely City by Olivia Laing. “….the lonelier a person gets, the less adept they become at navigating social currents. Loneliness grows around them,like mould or fur, a prophylactic that inhibits contact, no matter how badly contact is desired. Loneliness is accretive,extending and perpetuating itself. Once it becomes impacted, it is by no means easy to dislodge. ”

I think this quote really highlights what loneliness is like and how hard it is to change that feeling. Loneliness is a really deep feeling and you need to find out the cause of what makes you lonely in the first place.(no friends, moved house or town, difficulty socialising etc). Once you know the cause of the loneliness then you can work on it from there.

Here’s a challenge for you guys:Go out for a walk and say hi to as many people as you can( keep in mind there are some people believe it or not who won’t say it back but don’t let that get to you). When people do say hi back it greatly increases your self-esteem and confidence in socialising. See how you get on and it doesn’t matter if you only see one or two people on your walk, go out and try again the next day. Don’t forget to smile. x

I always find that this challenge helps me out a lot. Sure i’ve encountered a few people who didn’t say hi back or anything for that matter but it was very rare. Some people may be having a bad day or maybe are a little fed up so just saying a simple hey or hello might cheer them up but will also make you feel happier within yourself. It is so important that you guys get out there and try and socialise. Talking to a friend, a partner, a work collegue etc can dramatically improve your mood. Owning a pet can also target loneliness and as your looking after an animal you won’t feel so lonely anymore.

I hope this article helped you guys. If you have any questions don’t hesistate to message me or contact me on any of my other social media platforms. Thanks for reading guys and hope you have a good day x

Romance novels- Unrealistic view of real love and relationships.

So I’ve read a lot of books,particularly romance ones but one thing has stood out to me. Why does the heroine have to be stuck between two guys, then enter a relationship by seemingly choosing one of them?Now let’s be honest here,how often does this situation actually happen?(rarely).

In reality,love is about two imperfect people learning to accept one another’s flaws and loving them nonetheless. So why is the romance portrayed in books so unrealistic? Why are authors giving us the idea that love is about choosing someone over another rather than just accepting one person?

Couples are there for one another in every struggle their relationship endures. You don’t choose your partner,you don’t choose to fight with one another, you don’t choose to be jealous,you don’t choose to laugh at their jokes,you don’t choose to kiss them or hug them or love them.You don’t choose to fall in love. In all of these things,you don’t choose to do any of them, they just happen and that’s okay.

You choose your partner for one reason only,because you love them dearly and promise that you will continue to, through the good times and the bad. And that, unlike some romantic novels, is a realistic view of love and relationships.

Bookworm

I like to read. A lot. When I’m bored I read. On a rainy day, I read. Before I go to sleep(which I’m aware is the title of a book) , I read. Reading gives me a chance to break away from reality for a while. I like to think of it as my getaway holiday but in a book. When reading, I am a different person, I live in a different place, I’m not always human and i’m not always a heroine but I like the variety. It intrigues me.

I used to read a lot when I was younger too but I gave it up for ages. Then only about a year ago, I decided to take it up again. I don’t play any sports and I’m not a part of any clubs so I had nothing else to do with my time. I gradually got back into reading after recovering from clinical depression. I was reading lots of self-help books to cope.

Every bookworm has a goodreads account. So far I have read over 700 books in total. I also take part in the annual goodreads challenge which I find is a lot of fun to take part in. In the summer I can read twice as many books without having to stress about anything such as exams.

My favourite book genres are romance, thriller, comedy and horror. My favourite author is Agatha Christie. I don’t have a favourite book, instead I like to add my favorite books to a “favourites” shelf on my goodreads account. Any book I have rated 5 stars goes onto that shelf.

When I have my own house, I hope to have a library. I have an image in my head of a cosy room with a floor lamp, a blue recliner, a book shelf(obviously) , a rug in the centre of the room and finally a coffee table so on a cold,rainy day, I can sit on my recliner chair with a hot chocolate and engage in a novel.

This room will also be a “me” room . No disturbances,no dogs, no husband, just me having some me time because I think every once in a while everyone just needs to switch off from everyday worries and just have some me time. Whether it’s having a bath,listening to music, going for a nap or reading a book, do whatever makes you happy and for even 5 minutes,relax. Just breathe. Take in the moment. Relax.

So there you have it. My method to relax is to read an interesting novel and since I’m a bookworm, I have to go and catch up on my summer reading list.

Comment your favourite book to read in the summer in the comments x

My 18th Birthday

I have two goals I would like to achieve above anything else. 1.To travel on a bus without getting a panic attack and safely and calmly make it to my destination. 2. To buy my own house.

I am already saving up for goal 2 but I’m finding it very hard to overcome goal 1. The first time I went to Cork on the bus, I was completely fine. I went on the bus and went shopping in Cork.

The second time was for my 18th birthday . My friend and I had planned to go shopping in the city. That did not go to plan. We waited outside the bus stop for the bus to arrive and while we were waiting I got this overwhelming sense of panic. The bus arrived and I got on. “Come on Tara, It’ll be fine”. It was not fine.

I frantically searched for my earphones in my handbag hoping that the music would calm me down but my hands were shaking so much, I couldn’t pick anything up. There was another bus stop at the other side of town. My friend could see what was happening. I was having a panic attack. I felt trapped. I needed air. My friend turned to me. “Do you want to get off the bus?” Yes, I said.

I got off the bus. I watched as the bus drove away on route to the city as I stood there feeling ashamed and embarrased. Suddenly, I burst into tears. I couldn’t stop crying. I was still shaking. “It’s okay, take a drink of water”. I reached for the water bottle in my bag and took a sip. I didn’t feel any calmer. I was still crying. My friend held me tight and kept telling me everything’s okay, everything’s okay.

My parents were driving in a nearby town. My friend called them. Tears were rolling down my cheeks.” I want to go, Please I want to go to Cork. Please.” We can’t go today. We will go another day I promise. You need to rest.”

We sat outside a small park. Several people past but I didn’t care that they saw me with my eyes filled with tears, my face hot with rage. I was angry at myself. I couldn’t manage to do one simple thing. My parents arrived around 10 minutes later. We got in the car. My parents turned around to look at me. They understood. Nobody was angry . They just understood. I went upstairs to my room. I took my antidepressant and rested on my bed. My mother hugged me while both her and my father said I needed to calm and rest for a while.

So ya it wasin’t the greatest 18th birthday but I realised something. I had people with me that day who I realised truly cared about me and loved me. They understood me. They made me feel safe and that’s all I needed to ease my anxiety.

Included picture of exact day I turned 18 ( not day I was going to Cork )

My Fitness Journey

In January I decided to make a goal for myself. Since everyone else was talking about their new year resolution, I wanted to make a new year resolution that I would actually stick to and wouldn’t give up on after two weeks(come on we’ve all done it). My goal was to get fit and to get strong.
After my struggle with depression the previous year I was scarily thin. I didn’t like the way I looked. While some people thought it was normal because I was thin but had a good figure,the truth is I wasn’t healthy. I don’t just mean healthy looking I mean healthy in the inside. I was eating bad food all the time, I hardly ever ate fruit and veg and some days I would only eat my dinner and then go back to bed. That has all changed .

At one stage(before I started doing workouts) I weighed 7 stone. Then I started the femniqe workout (brutal butt and legs workout) and I gradually got to 7 stone 11 and a quarter pounds. That was in January. Now 6 months later I weigh 8 stone 5 pounds. I know that it doesn’t seem like much but to me, I love my body now. I love my stronger body and I love me. I still have the picture when I first started my fitness workout and I like to compare it with the way I look now and see the difference.

I originally got inspired by Stef Josen. I saw an article about her earlier on in the year about her struggle with an eating disorder and to getting a strong body. There are so many influencers out there who are giving people tips on how to get a big butt and to get that hourglass figure.
You don’t need an hourglass figure to be happy . It doesn’t matter if you are skinny or curvy or in between. If you are happy with your body, then keep it that way. There’s no need for you to change to fit society’s wants.                                                                                                                                                  Personally, I am so glad that I got into fitness. The workouts have made me fit and strong. Fitness has improved my confidence and has got me to do things I never imagined doing. Fitness has made me strong and now I am happy with my body and happy just being me.

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Leaving school

Photo link: https://pixabay.com/en/school-corridor-architecture-1540428/

I have always been determined to do my leaving cert. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents or for people to think I was a failure. I know that I’m smart and that I can achieve great things. However, I had a pretty shit time in school, I hated it. In February of 2017 (during 6th year) I couldn’t put up with it anymore so after school I went to my locker, got my books and left for good. I felt somewhat at peace. When you are trying to study in a toxic environment it really does impact your self-esteem. I felt completely invisible in school, like I would never be good enough and never fit in. People have different opinions of school. Some people love school, others dread going in the morning.

After I left school, I could tell my parents were a little disappointed. They didn’t mention anything but at the same time they were happy I wasin’t in that school anymore.  I was thinking about my future and I thought, I’m not going to get anything without my leaving, my job prospects will all go down the train. I did a little bit of research. External candidate seemed to be the best solution. I told my parents about becoming an external candidate. The school allowed me to sit my exams in the school.

Well,in June I finished my leaving cert. Done and dusted. I am done school forever and this is a new chapter in my life. An article published in 2013 by the Irish examiner  https://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/4300-kids-drop-out-of-school-before-fifth-year-230568.html stated that 4300 kids drop out of school before fifth year. While the exact reason why those kids dropped out is unknown, it’s still an incredibly high number.

At the age of 18, I honestly haven’t a clue what the future holds or more specifically where I’m gonna be in 10 years time but I do know this, I did my leaving cert, I have the piece of paper to prove it. My piece of advice for any of you going through something similiar, don’t ever make anybody think you’re not good enough and don’t ever let anyone get in the way of what you want to do in life.

I would encourage anyone thinking of leaving school to:

  • Make a plan(what are you going to do every day?)
  • Do your leaving- I cannot stress this enough. You don’t need to get all honours just do your best and get it done and over with.
  • Talk to friends and family – talk to people about how you are feeling about school
  • Remember that some people don’t want to go to college and you don’t have to. College, apprenticeship etc, are all just future options if you wish to pursue them.
  • Explore your options( youthreach,college,PLC course, apprenticeship etc)

Go through all of these and make a list of what you want to do . Whatever option you decide to go with, remember, just do what makes you happy.

Panic attack in school

 

Photo link: http://jronaldlee.com/

Photo © 2010 J. Ronald Lee 

I distinctly remember a time when I was in school. A time I got my first bad panic attack in a public place. I was in 5th year. It was one of those days where the holidays were approaching so the teachers put on movies for the class to watch. There were several classrooms along the corridor.

A teacher decided that it would be a good idea to place all the SPHE classes together in the one room to watch a movie. The movie was School Of Rock. As Jack Black appeared on the screen, the other girls began to laugh. Sweets were passed around the room as everyone sampled the haribos and the mini chocolate bars.

I placed my hand into the bag and took out a sugery circular green sweet. The lights were turned off and the room was in darkness apart from the screen infront of us. The whole class were bunched together practically squashed but nobody seemed to care,only me.

I was trying to talk to the girl next to me as a method of distraction while the anxiety started to build up inside of me. I couldn’t think straight. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I looked around the room. Everyone was glued to the screen . I was getting more and more fearful of what could happen in this moment. I had stomach butterflies and I was sitting so close to the people next to me that I couldn’t move.

I have to get of here. Get me out. I asked the girl next to me could she please move her chair aside. I got up and walked straight out of the classroom. Everyone stared. I walked briskly into the nearby bathroom. I was breathing heavily. I was trying to control my breathing. I took a few deep breaths. Breathe 1.2.3 . Breathe 1.2.3.
Then I started crying, hard. What just happened? Did I get a reaction to the sweet? Did I eat too much sugar yesterday? No, I just have claustrophobia. I can’t even get into an elevator and I guess the way everyone was bunched together combined with the darkroom triggered the panic attack.

I went up to the secretary’s office. She saw me crying and asked if I was ok. I said I was fine. I called my dad. He said he would come down to collect me. Before I could leave I had to go back and get my school bag. I walked back into the room. I told the teacher I wasin’t feeling well and I was going home. She looked kind of annoyed but I didn’t care, I was just after having a panic attack.

I went home where dad sat me down and made me a cup of tea. He asked me what had happened and I explained how I was feeling in the room. It was too stuffy,too warm,too claustrophobic. I couldn’t handle it and panicked.

That was a while back now but I still think of how proud I am of myself. I got up and walked out of that room without looking at anyone,without asking for permission because I was having a difficult time and I needed to figure it out,on my own. I realise now that I helped myself more than the teacher or anyone else in the room could.While it was a terrifying moment for me, I am delighted with how I managed it on my own.

Darkness Into Light 2018

 

This year on the 12th May 2018, I took part in the annual Darkness Into Light for the first time. It was the first time it was held in my town. The idea of getting up at 4 am didn’t seem to bother me. I wanted to do it even if I had to walk it on my own but in the end my friend said he would walk it with me.

We woke up around 20 past 3. We started off in our local GAA pitch at exactly 4am. Many people took part in the walk. Everyone was dressed in warm clothing,torch in hand and all were wearing the darkness into light t-shirt to mark the 10 year anniversary of DIL across the world.
We made our way though the town, the bright street lamps leading the way while local volunteers held signs and photographers took pictures of the crowd. At 5am it began to get bright as dawn broke and birds began to sing.

We then made our way back up the hill to the original starting point and were greeted with water bottles, tea,coffee and scones. I got a few protein bars. I was so tired and while I was delighted I had taken part in the walk, I couldn’t wait to get back to bed.

I decided to do Darkness Into Light to help prevent self-harm and suicide and I also did it for me. I suffered from depression to the point where I had suicidal thoughts in 2016. I felt so worthless and out of place that I actually wanted to die. Many people don’t realise that when you are severely depressed,your thoughts control you ,not the other way around.
So when I heard that it was coming up again, I got my wages from the previous weeks work and paid to participate. I was delighted that I was doing something that was not only helping other people but was also helping me.

After recovering from depression, I decided shortly after that I wanted to become a mental health advocate. I know that if I didn’t have the support of both my parents and my friend, I would not be here today. I was told by a counsellor once about how great the work is that Pieta House do. Although I never went to Pieta House to seek treatment, I do believe that their message is an important one. Prevention of suicide and self-harm.

I believe that together we can spread this message not just in Ireland but across the world.According to a recent article published by the Irish Examiner https://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/suicide-claims-70-school-children-in-one-year-469647.html.Suicide claims 70 school children in one year. That figure is shocking. Young children and teens struggling with mental health need someone to turn to, someone to talk to about their problems but the lack of mental health services here in Ireland is a disgrace and as the suicide rate continues to rise, we sit back and do nothing.

I realise that this is a sensitive topic for many people but this stigma against mental health, suicide and self-harm in Ireland and indeed across the world has got to stop. While there are other charities here in Ireland that you can donate to if you want to,(while it’s a tad bit early) I highly recommend that in 2019 you participate in Darkness into Light in your town/city whether you are walking for you, a friend or for the young/ old people of Ireland who need a helping hand getting out of the darkness of depression and into the light of hope.