I wanted to explain why I haven’t been blogging or active on social media in the last few weeks. About three-four weeks ago, someone started texting me on Twitter which then moved to Instagram. It was nice to talk to someone who promised me the sun, the moon and the stars. Someone who seemed like they cared. I thought how I felt was real. I didn’t realise that something was wrong. In the beginning, a somewhat relationship endured and then the quick proposal soon after. I’m only 18 there wasn’t a hope I was getting married this soon but I thought if this worked out it could happen in my 20s.
I have seen long distance relationships work out from several couples on social media so I thought maybe if it’s meant to be it could work out. The texting continued and later he asked me to buy him a phone because he felt I was far from him. I was very angry at this. I gave out about him only wanting a visa and I received paragraphs back stating his genuine love and affection and said it was a pity I was so controlling. (Me.Controlling.?? )
When I mentioned the visa, he flipped and stated that he wasn’t like the other men who scam in his country. I stupidly believed him. He made me feel guilty about everything, especially dating. For weeks I felt miserable and completely worthless.( Just because I have different beliefs or am from a different country does not mean you get to judge me.) I thought that he wouldn’t care about me if I didn’t change.
I turned to religion. Everything I’ve ever done and everything I’ve ever said to anyone all came into my head and I suddenly felt like I was a complete mess. He had somehow managed to charm his way into brainwashing me by using my vulnerability.
I was severely depressed. I wasn’t eating and I slept most of the time. My parents began to notice that I wasn’t my usual self. At some point my mind said” stop Tara something is wrong here”. He was a controlling, manipulative asshole. He thought that he could control me from another country because he was so desperate for a visa. He had found a victim and through his smile I had fallen straight into his trap.
On the night he texted I didn’t really feel like talking and then around an hour later I texted him saying I can’t do this anymore, I need to look after my mental health. I told him that he was making me completely miserable. I received countless paragraphs one after the other.” It’s real. You are free but please don’t leave me. I can’t live without you”. I would never be free if I let him continue to make me miserable. I proceeded to block him on all social media. He panicked and added pictures of me on his Instagram. He wouldn’t take them down. He then got my number off of WhatsApp and texted.
I was afraid of him. Of what he might do next. He had controlled me for so long and continued to think he still could. I realised that he didn’t really know me at all. I blocked his number. After that I spiralled into a deep depression.
I had suicidal thoughts. I was so scared, so afraid of thoughts that came into my head. Bad, bad thoughts. My mind was in control and I felt so guilty all of the time. I cried all the time and felt so worthless, so out of place.
I remember sitting in the car one day and these really bad thoughts came into head. This really frightened me. I really didn’t want to die but I didn’t know what to do. I went to my doctor after who was so helpful. He listened and discussed how I was feeling and then gave me some counselling options.
I know for a fact that if I didn’t have my parents and my doctor to turn to I would not be here writing this. I missed two days of college and then went back which is good because college takes my mind off of things. I managed to get on a bus which I thought I would never do. I am so proud of myself, of all I have overcome. I found out after I had had a nervous breakdown. The experience had impacted my mental health and caused the depression to return.
If somebody or something is affecting your mental health in a negative way that someone or something has to go. No exceptions. Don’t give your private information like your phone number to anyone online. Nobody should have the ability to control you or make you feel like shit. Nobody’s perfect. We all have a past and we all have flaws. We are human.
If you are depressed or experiencing anything I have discussed above please talk to somebody. You might think that people won’t care or understand what you are going through but trust me they do. There are millions of people all over the world who suffer from mental health issues on a daily basis. You aren’t perfect, nobody is, but you are you.
You are unique and most importantly, you are not alone. Take care X
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