My 18th Birthday

I have two goals I would like to achieve above anything else. 1.To travel on a bus without getting a panic attack and safely and calmly make it to my destination. 2. To buy my own house.

I am already saving up for goal 2 but I’m finding it very hard to overcome goal 1. The first time I went to Cork on the bus, I was completely fine. I went on the bus and went shopping in Cork.

The second time was for my 18th birthday . My friend and I had planned to go shopping in the city. That did not go to plan. We waited outside the bus stop for the bus to arrive and while we were waiting I got this overwhelming sense of panic. The bus arrived and I got on. “Come on Tara, It’ll be fine”. It was not fine.

I frantically searched for my earphones in my handbag hoping that the music would calm me down but my hands were shaking so much, I couldn’t pick anything up. There was another bus stop at the other side of town. My friend could see what was happening. I was having a panic attack. I felt trapped. I needed air. My friend turned to me. “Do you want to get off the bus?” Yes, I said.

I got off the bus. I watched as the bus drove away on route to the city as I stood there feeling ashamed and embarrased. Suddenly, I burst into tears. I couldn’t stop crying. I was still shaking. “It’s okay, take a drink of water”. I reached for the water bottle in my bag and took a sip. I didn’t feel any calmer. I was still crying. My friend held me tight and kept telling me everything’s okay, everything’s okay.

My parents were driving in a nearby town. My friend called them. Tears were rolling down my cheeks.” I want to go, Please I want to go to Cork. Please.” We can’t go today. We will go another day I promise. You need to rest.”

We sat outside a small park. Several people past but I didn’t care that they saw me with my eyes filled with tears, my face hot with rage. I was angry at myself. I couldn’t manage to do one simple thing. My parents arrived around 10 minutes later. We got in the car. My parents turned around to look at me. They understood. Nobody was angry . They just understood. I went upstairs to my room. I took my antidepressant and rested on my bed. My mother hugged me while both her and my father said I needed to calm and rest for a while.

So ya it wasin’t the greatest 18th birthday but I realised something. I had people with me that day who I realised truly cared about me and loved me. They understood me. They made me feel safe and that’s all I needed to ease my anxiety.

Included picture of exact day I turned 18 ( not day I was going to Cork )

My Fitness Journey

In January I decided to make a goal for myself. Since everyone else was talking about their new year resolution, I wanted to make a new year resolution that I would actually stick to and wouldn’t give up on after two weeks(come on we’ve all done it). My goal was to get fit and to get strong.
After my struggle with depression the previous year I was scarily thin. I didn’t like the way I looked. While some people thought it was normal because I was thin but had a good figure,the truth is I wasn’t healthy. I don’t just mean healthy looking I mean healthy in the inside. I was eating bad food all the time, I hardly ever ate fruit and veg and some days I would only eat my dinner and then go back to bed. That has all changed .

At one stage(before I started doing workouts) I weighed 7 stone. Then I started the femniqe workout (brutal butt and legs workout) and I gradually got to 7 stone 11 and a quarter pounds. That was in January. Now 6 months later I weigh 8 stone 5 pounds. I know that it doesn’t seem like much but to me, I love my body now. I love my stronger body and I love me. I still have the picture when I first started my fitness workout and I like to compare it with the way I look now and see the difference.

I originally got inspired by Stef Josen. I saw an article about her earlier on in the year about her struggle with an eating disorder and to getting a strong body. There are so many influencers out there who are giving people tips on how to get a big butt and to get that hourglass figure.
You don’t need an hourglass figure to be happy . It doesn’t matter if you are skinny or curvy or in between. If you are happy with your body, then keep it that way. There’s no need for you to change to fit society’s wants.                                                                                                                                                  Personally, I am so glad that I got into fitness. The workouts have made me fit and strong. Fitness has improved my confidence and has got me to do things I never imagined doing. Fitness has made me strong and now I am happy with my body and happy just being me.